There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
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