Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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