Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
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Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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