I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
