Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
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