I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
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