He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
