I just cut my nipple shaving
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
where does the pee come out of this thing
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
