i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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