it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
