How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
My pussy is not your playground.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Randomize
