I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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