he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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