My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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