so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Randomize
