The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
