It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Randomize
