you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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