the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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