walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
