and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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