Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
