i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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