You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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