I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize