I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Semen is not good for contacts.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
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