The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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