is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
