I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Randomize
