Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
