Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
