Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
