Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I believe in your delicious
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
