I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
