my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
