How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize