I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
