Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
