I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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