Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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