break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize
