remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
