I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
My vagina is officially offended.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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