I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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