Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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