I am in a vortex of obligation.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
