Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
