just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
