dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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