I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
