I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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