this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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