Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
