4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
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