My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
